Tag Archives: babies

On Loss…and Feeling Thankful

I apologize. I’ve been avoiding you.

Or, sort of, anyway.

I just didn’t have the words this week. I had a few, enough for a tweet here or there, but not enough to put together a coherent post. I had to get them sorted out for myself first, and I think I’ve finally had enough time to do that.

You see, this was a week of loss for us. On Wednesday, we were told to say goodbye to what would have been the newest little member of our family. The little one we didn’t even know yet, but had come to care so much about.

And so I revisit the reluctant sisterhood of mothers who have experienced pregnancy loss. Mothers who wonder “Why me?” and “Why this baby? This baby who is so badly wanted, so incredibly loved?” Mothers who get so invested so quickly, even though we all know the deal we sign when we get pregnant has fine print stating:

No Guarantees.

 

I join the timeless lineage of mothers who then remember that there is no real answer to the question “Why?” other than the knowledge that this is all part of the journey.

This baby simply wasn’t strong enough to come join us. I know that, and I’m OK. My heart is broken, and my spirit is trying to heal, but I know deep down inside that I am carried in the hearts of so many generations of women before me–women from every time and every place, joined by a common thread–and my experience will, undoubtedly, help me in guiding the important young women in my life through their losses someday.

It may sound a little odd to some, but for me, embracing my loss is really the only way through it.

So, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. I’m thankful for the joy I felt when I found out we were expecting. I’m thankful I got to carry our little bean for 8 weeks, and I’m thankful for the support I received while adjusting to the news that the new future we were envisioning wasn’t meant to be…yet.

But most of all, I’m thankful that for one brief, fleeting moment, as my husband, my son and I peered at that little screen watching the flicker of a heartbeat, we were a family of 4.

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Look out, Potty! Here we come!

I knew this time would come…eventually.

My 23-month-old son has shown quite an interest in the potty for a while now, peeing occasionally, and throwing lots of paper in when we aren’t looking.

But now? We have POOP!

Not every time, but often enough to know that he’s well on his way to learning how to use the potty full-time.

So, why do I feel a stinging twinge of sadness?

Because I’ll miss my FLUFF!

The stash I researched so diligently and worked so hard to build (building a community of like-minded friends along the way, I might add! Bonus!) The stash I painstakingly laundered and sunned, sniffing to make sure they were as fresh as a spring breeze for my sweet baby’s bum.  They might be poop-catchers, but there’s nothing quite like a pile of freshly washed, stuffed and folded diapers in a rainbow of colors!

I surely don’t have the most impressive collection, and I’ll admit that we never did quite get to the point where we gave up our little stash of disposable inserts (GroVia rocks, by the way!) , but there’s just something about making that choice – the economical choice, the ecofriendlier choice, the healthier choice - that made me feel like I was doing my absolute best as a mom.

Ah, cloth. How I love thee! It saddens me that our time is coming to an end, but I have hope that someday I’ll unpack you and fall in love all over again!

Thanks for the memories!

Until next time…

(I just wonder if I’ll feel the same way about my mama cloth when I join the menopause community:| )

Wow. Did I just say menopause?! Can you tell I’m feeling the clock tick away? Come on Baby #2!

_____________________

To all my cloth diapering readers: did you miss your fluff when the potty took over? Were you sad to see the transition begin?

 

 

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Filed under Cloth Diapering, Green Living, Parenting & Family