The State of Affairs: One Month Later… {Part 1}

PrettyBaby

So, it’s been a whole month now. I think it’s safe to say that when it comes to Kid Town, I’ve reached full immersion.

Know how I figured that out? I woke up one morning, not too many days ago, slipshod after about 4 hours sleep, and decided that yesterday’s makeup looked OK enough that I wasn’t going to bother washing it off and redoing it.

{insert sound of squealing brakes here}

Hold up. Is that what’s acceptable to me now?! I’m actually agreeing with myself on this?

(Did I mention that showers are a hot commodity these days?) 

It hasn’t been easy. The first weeks were the hardest. My son’s behavior was atrocious. Probably totally normal, but still atrocious. It broke my heart and wore out my body. Plus, I was still battling the postpartum demons, still running to multiple doctor appointments, feeling immensely left out, lonely and displaced after leaving my career, my office, my team. There’s no me in “team” anymore…oh, well, yeah, I guess there kind of is, but backwards and not together… In my sleepy stupor, that thought kept me occupied for way too long.

I had no desk to sit my coffee on. Hell, I didn’t even have coffee. My mug is still in a sad box in my trunk with all of my red pens.

And I didn’t get dressed. Or showered. Or brush my teeth. And I had insomnia and got paranoid and cried at 3:30 am…a lot. Sounds like a divorce, doesn’t it? It took me a minute to realize that after 17 years, it is a divorce.

And I felt guilty. Guilty because I had two perfectly beautiful, beautifully perfect little children here who were going to be better off. Better off with a mommy who would be here, who would eventually decompress a little and be somewhat happy and pleasant, who didn’t panic at the thought of sniffles because she might have to rearrange commitments on a dime if daycare called from 70 miles away.

So, at the urging of my mother, I gave myself 2 weeks. I allowed some slovenliness. I indulged in some {gasp!} leisurely pastimes. I checked out this Candy Crush thing that seems to be eating everybody’s soul and burned some free time at WeLuvBingo.com, just because games are fun. But most of all, I gave myself permission to not have a plan for a moment. It was mad uncomfortable, but I’m told by a reliable source that it’s OK to cut myself a little slack and breathe. Healthy even. (See, Dr. Hayes…I’m listening.)

But would I be able to do it? Once you get to the point where you don’t even know what kind of shoes you wear (beyond office heels) or how to answer when people say, “What do you do?”, feeling like you have to redefine your entire identity all at once is not exactly conducive to a good, deep breath.

I was overwhelmed, to say the least.

(Click here for Part 2.)

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4 Comments

Filed under Parenting & Family, The Everyday, Uncategorized

4 Responses to The State of Affairs: One Month Later… {Part 1}

  1. Oh honey this sounds like me all the time.. sorry I don’t want you to think it stay crazy like this. It will get better and you’ll totally be on top of things with time. It’s hard to go from working to being at home all the time.. and when I say all the time b/c you are home damn near all the time. And sometimes you are actually going to just want to be home.. but you must make yourself get out. With the kids and without the kids. And get your coffee cup out girl, you need that thing! ;) All the best mama! -came from the FB group Blogger Resources Opps.
    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted..My Trip to #AccessPG Part 4My Profile

  2. I really hope part two is happier! It does get better, but it’s also really different. Definitely dig that coffee cup out and make a good strong pot because you will need it – daily! I use a travel mug and my desk is whatever flat surface is handy at the time, but I know the kiddo can’t stick her hand in it and it’s safer than an open mug, plus you can literally take it anywhere or nowhere. You’re right, it’s a divorce of sorts, but like with any divorce after the stages of grieving pass, it’s also a new beginning and full of new opportunities. Best wishes!

  3. Pingback: The State of Affairs: One Month Later… {Part 2} | ABCs and Garden Peas

  4. Pingback: An Early Resolution: Back to the Classroom! | ABCs and Garden Peas

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